Liz, John and I went to One Trick Pony last night.  We had a nice dinner but the main focus was going to see the Lazy Blue Tunas.  I guess I had not seen them perform since your benefit.  Sitting there watching them brought it all home just how much I miss you……….

Happy 30th Anniversary, David.

I love you and I miss you!!

One year.

That’s what it has been. One year.  Unbelievable that we have been able to survive this one year of missing David.  Still that empty chair at the table.  The emptiness in our lives and hearts.  Doing things he would have enjoyed and missing him and his enjoyment of them.  Living life without him.  It is hard.  It is still so hard.  It is hard every day knowing that our lives are progressing and he is missing out and we are missing him.

Of course, it has been a year of firsts.  First Thanksgiving. First Christmas.  First August 4 without David to celebrate.  First vacation without him.  The realization that he is not coming back to share in, and be a part of all our lives.  The realization that it is so final. Final.

Honestly, I do not look forward to the second year.  I truly do not believe that year two will be easier.  Trying to navigate through another year without our seasoned family traditions and trying to make new ways to celebrate. I do not want to make new ways, but that is what we must do.  There is always a hole, an emptiness.  Always a sadness with everything we do.  Always thinking “Oh! David would have loved this!” Always the sadness and tears and regret. Always the realization that he is not coming back.  It is reality and I HATE THAT REALITY!!

But plug along we must, one foot in front of the other.  We must work towards building those new traditions. Celebrating when we feel that hole. Learning a new, different way of life.

I am thankful to my children, who are so loving and positive.  I know they miss their dad terribly, but they are doing so well in their lives on a daily basis.  The reality is that we must live this life that we have been given, and watching them, I see them doing that so beautifully.  I thank God for each of them, and pray that God blesses them with love, health and happiness.

To those who have been such stalwart supporters of me, and all of us, throughout this year,  I am so thankful.  I know my life would have been so much more difficult without your loving help.  You have made the aloneness feel so much less that, and I truly thank you for your love.  I know I do not deserve your kindness, and I pray that God will shower you with many blessings.

I will close with a poem that David’s friend Gary wrote following David’s death.  It still brings tears to my eyes, but also joy of a life well lived and loved:

One less paddle stirs
the tranquil waters
the campfire flame
diminished to glowing embers
a distant owl questions
a star studded sky
down a new river
travels my good friend
the journeys we’ve shared
are forever a part of me

……………Gary Buyze

Today is Wednesday, April 28.  Seven and a half months has passed and I still spend so much time missing David.  The missing never ends.  Our lives go on day to day and that missing just never stops.  So many times, I think “oh when I get home, I will tell David………”  And of course, that cannot happen.

The sadness is another thing.  I am sad.  Every day.  I don’t know how to get out of the sad.  So many days of sadness.  I so much want to not be sad anymore, but it just won’t go away.  I can have a day or two where I am just going along,  living life, and then the sad comes back, full force.  I find the silliest things will trigger it.  Listening to songs on the car radio that I programmed into my Ipod.  Songs that David brought into my life with his love of music.  Songs that have been a part of us for so long and now are mine alone.  Getting in the car and seeing his reading glasses.  I don’t have the heart to remove them.  I am driving his car and his glasses belong there.  That makes me sad but it brings him right back, makes him feel close again, and I like that.

I so often think “it’s just not fair!!!”  Why? Why did this happen? I know God has a plan, but I just do not understand.  I doubt I ever will.

And the loneliness.  When you have been together for such a long time, it is so lonely to be just one.  I have Charlie, Angela, Elisabeth and John, and I thank God for them, but it is just not the same.  Sharing with David, the daily joys, trials and tribulations of life is gone and I so miss that.

We have been so busy.  I plan our busy-ness.  I plan lots of activities for John and me so we can not just sit home and be lonely and sad and missing David.  John is in scouts, which is almost like a full time job in itself.  He took an art class this spring, and also a swimming class.  He has Greek School and he was in Teen Bible Challenge which helped to fill our week.  I recently joined a woman’s softball team with my niece Chris and a lively, fun bunch of women.  It really is fun, and it would make David laugh to think that I am playing softball.  That was one of the activities he was participating in when we first met, way back in 1980. That makes me smile AND cry all at the same time.

Life is going on, but I will tell you that it is hard.  Hard every day.  So hard.  The tears flow at the drop of a hat and very often.  I wish they could stop, and I guess I know they will someday, but not now.  Not soon.

Each day brings its own challenges and we hope to be able to meet them.  Some days are better than others.  I thank God for the time we had and pray that it will get easier.

Hello everyone,

Today is the last day of 2009.  The last day of the decade.  The last post I will be writing on David’s blog.

I wanted to take a moment and reflect on David and the past year and thank everyone who has touched our lives.

2009 was certainly a difficult year for our family and we are glad to see it go.  I thank God for the 29 years I had with David and see him daily in his children.  The sense of humor, willing smile, ability to deal with difficulties.  He was  a man who loved his family and took his role as head of the household seriously.  He lived through his illness with grace and beauty, not complaining nor feeling sorry for himself.  Our love for him will never die, it will just live on in a different way.

I also want to take this time to thank all of you.  We have been touched in so many ways by so many people.  Whether it was in a tiny way or monumental, we are thankful for each and every one of you.  David’s family were there for him from the moment they heard of his illness.  His mom who traveled with us, to and from Iowa City where David received treatments and surgery and also spent many hours keeping him company while getting treatment here in town.  His sisters Linda and Ellen, along with our good friends Brian, Marianne, Lexie and Mark who were so willing to work tirelessly for David’s amazingly well attended and successful benefit.  All the family and friends who were also willing to work so hard during the benefit.  We could not have done it without you.  To all of you who visited him so often, I thank you for that.  I know he appreciated your visits and it helped lift up his spirits.

Following David’s death, we received so many cards.  We thank you for the time you took to write such lovely sentiments … words that touched us deeply.  Also, so many have been so generous and we are very thankful for that.

I believe 2010 will be a year of beginnings.  Beginning to learn to live without David.  Finding our way out of the fog and into something else.  Learning to navigate our way through this grief, each day being different with its ups and downs.

And then, I always go back full circle to all of you.  You have been there for us throughout it all, and we really do appreciate it.  Your ongoing, loving support really does make a difference, even if we are unable to show our true appreciation right now.  Please know that every large or small thing done by you is a show of support and we use it to hold us up through the hardest days, and unfortunately I don’t think the hardest days are yet done.  As I write this, I cry tears of sadness, longing, and joy.  Sadness and longing for David and how much I miss him.  Joy for all of you who are there for my family and me as we live through missing David.

Thank you all.  May God Bless you, each and every one of you, with health, happiness and the love of family and friends in the year 2010 and beyond.  My prayer for you is that God will wrap His arms around you as you have done for us, giving you what He has given us.

with all my love,

Connie

Today I post with a heavy heart.  David is gone and he is finally pain free.  We are so happy for him but mourn his loss.  Charlie, Angela, Elisabeth, John and I, along with his whole family, feel his loss deeply.

The last 17 months have been difficult.  David stoically fought his battle with beauty and grace and we are so proud of him.

Maybe someday I will be able to post about the months of August and September.  Right now, this is all I have.  I am sorry not to be able to do more.  It is just too painful, but I am sure you will understand.

Thank you all for your loving, ongoing support. We are uplifted by the love of those around us.  God truly is good to bring so many loving people into our lives who care for us so beautifully.

With all my love,

Connie

Hello,

Just a brief post to let you know that David was transferred to Trillium Woods Faith Hospice this afternoon.   Trillium Woods address and phone number are:  8214 Pfeiffer Farms Drive, SW, Byron Center, MI 49315  616-356-4820.  He is in room number 2303.   Trillium Woods is a lovely facility.

To make it easier for you if you are planning to visit David, I have included a link to the website which includes a map:

http://www.faithhospicecare.org/trillium.htm

Thank you for your continuing prayers.

Love, Connie

I ask that you please continue praying for strength as these days go on.   I will post more later when I am able.

Thank you all for your continuing, loving support.

Love, Connie

So here I sit in David’s room at the Lack’s Cancer Center.  The last week has been a difficult one and I thank everyone who has come to visit.  David’s mom, Carol has been here almost non-stop.  So many have come by to visit and  even though David might sleep a lot while you are here, I know he enjoys seeing you and he appreciates the time and effort you have taken to come up and see him.

Each day blurs into the next.  David’s condition has remained virtually the same.  He has pain in his abdomen.  He sleeps a lot.  He is weak.  He is not eating a ton, although he WANTS to eat…when he does find something that sounds moderately good, he fills up fast.  Cottage cheese and peaches, chocolate milkshakes, soup and raw milk from the farm are his main foods of choice.

Dr. Brinker has told us twice now that the x-rays and scans have shown that the tumors have shrunk.  We are so thankful for that.  The nurses have been so amazing.  They are kind and caring and loving and we truly appreciate them for all they do for David.

Please keep David in your prayers.  Pray that he regains  his appetite so he will get stronger.  Pray for healing.

I am so thankful to everyone who has been there for me.  So many are there with their words of wisdom and thoughts and it truly is so helpful.  Thank you for all your kind words and prayers.

Love, Connie

Hello!

Wow!  When things happen, they happen fast!

Life was just moving along.  David started to have some “stomach” pain Monday so we contacted Dr. Brinker who set up a CT scan for that day.  We got ourselves together and headed down to St. Mary’s to get the scan.  One of the stipulations that David had that day was that he said he would NOT drink the “chalky” contrast stuff.  He said he felt bad enough without drinking that “junk” and feeling worse.  They told him that would be fine.  We got to St. Mary’s and signed in, waited our turn, and when they called his name followed the nurse back.  As we headed down the hall, she said they would be using the intravenous contrast.  He started saying “no! no! no way!”  Well, that was it!  We headed out without getting the scan.  For those of you who know me, I was furious, to say the least.  Speechless would be what some would be, but of course, I am rarely speechless.  (I’m not sure he knew what hit him!) WOW!

So home we went.  Life moved along (without a lot of words out of this Greek woman).  He didn’t say much how he was feeling.  Tuesday night, we didn’t get much sleep.  David was agitated and out of sorts and did not sleep very much.  That means I didn’t sleep either.  I finally got up around 3:30 or 4 and headed out to the living room.  I think with me gone, he finally was able to sleep, which was a good thing.  Later, I went to work and he did his new normal.  When I got home around 5:45, he was having much trouble breathing.  Short of breath and labored.  I asked him what he wanted to do.  He said, let’s head to the ER.  So, that’s what we did.  We got to St. Mary’s and were ushered in immediately.  Shortness of breath is grave and they take it seriously.  Our nurse, Bob was amazing.  He was on top of everything immediately and they got him hooked up to monitors and worked to stabilize him.

We spent the next 4 hours in ER.  He got an x-ray which didn’t show much.  They were able to slow down his respiration a bit, but not enough to make him comfortable.  After all that time, the decision was made to admit him.  When admitted, they took him for a CT scan (yes, he had to have it anyway, and he didn’t complain at all!!!) That of course is what showed the pulmonary embolism in one lung.  SCARY!  They immediately started him on blood thinners and also gave him fluids.  Today because his hemoglobin was down again, they gave him 2 more pints of blood. I guess it’s been a very interesting last couple of days, and I would love to get back to boring!

At this time, they are not saying when he will be released.  I guess when his respiration is normal and they see that the clot is gone.  They may decide to keep him on the blood thinners to avoid this happening again.  They are now talking about having Physical and/or Occupational Therapists come here and work with him a couple of times a week.  I am all for that.  The stronger he gets the faster he will heal.

So as you see this week has been a not very fun week!  Please pray the blood clot dissolves and David can come home.  Praise God for the care from the nursing staff at St. Mary’s.  They are loving caring people who take great care of David.  We are so thankful for them!

Thank you so much for your kind and loving words and of course for your prayers for David.

Love, Connie