Missing you………….. ♥

Hi David! I just wanted to share your family with you. We miss you so much!  It’s just not the same without you, but our family is growing and beautiful and you would be so proud!  Love you.  Connie

Dearest David,

Yesterday was harder than I could ever imagine it to be.  I pray to God that he will deliver me from the sadness and loneliness.  I miss you so much and wish you could come back to us.  I love you, David, and miss you every single day.

Please pray for us as we pray for you.

All my love,

Connie

Liz, John and I went to One Trick Pony last night.  We had a nice dinner but the main focus was going to see the Lazy Blue Tunas.  I guess I had not seen them perform since your benefit.  Sitting there watching them brought it all home just how much I miss you……….

Happy 30th Anniversary, David.

I love you and I miss you!!

One year.

That’s what it has been. One year.  Unbelievable that we have been able to survive this one year of missing David.  Still that empty chair at the table.  The emptiness in our lives and hearts.  Doing things he would have enjoyed and missing him and his enjoyment of them.  Living life without him.  It is hard.  It is still so hard.  It is hard every day knowing that our lives are progressing and he is missing out and we are missing him.

Of course, it has been a year of firsts.  First Thanksgiving. First Christmas.  First August 4 without David to celebrate.  First vacation without him.  The realization that he is not coming back to share in, and be a part of all our lives.  The realization that it is so final. Final.

Honestly, I do not look forward to the second year.  I truly do not believe that year two will be easier.  Trying to navigate through another year without our seasoned family traditions and trying to make new ways to celebrate. I do not want to make new ways, but that is what we must do.  There is always a hole, an emptiness.  Always a sadness with everything we do.  Always thinking “Oh! David would have loved this!” Always the sadness and tears and regret. Always the realization that he is not coming back.  It is reality and I HATE THAT REALITY!!

But plug along we must, one foot in front of the other.  We must work towards building those new traditions. Celebrating when we feel that hole. Learning a new, different way of life.

I am thankful to my children, who are so loving and positive.  I know they miss their dad terribly, but they are doing so well in their lives on a daily basis.  The reality is that we must live this life that we have been given, and watching them, I see them doing that so beautifully.  I thank God for each of them, and pray that God blesses them with love, health and happiness.

To those who have been such stalwart supporters of me, and all of us, throughout this year,  I am so thankful.  I know my life would have been so much more difficult without your loving help.  You have made the aloneness feel so much less that, and I truly thank you for your love.  I know I do not deserve your kindness, and I pray that God will shower you with many blessings.

I will close with a poem that David’s friend Gary wrote following David’s death.  It still brings tears to my eyes, but also joy of a life well lived and loved:

One less paddle stirs
the tranquil waters
the campfire flame
diminished to glowing embers
a distant owl questions
a star studded sky
down a new river
travels my good friend
the journeys we’ve shared
are forever a part of me

……………Gary Buyze

Today is Wednesday, April 28.  Seven and a half months has passed and I still spend so much time missing David.  The missing never ends.  Our lives go on day to day and that missing just never stops.  So many times, I think “oh when I get home, I will tell David………”  And of course, that cannot happen.

The sadness is another thing.  I am sad.  Every day.  I don’t know how to get out of the sad.  So many days of sadness.  I so much want to not be sad anymore, but it just won’t go away.  I can have a day or two where I am just going along,  living life, and then the sad comes back, full force.  I find the silliest things will trigger it.  Listening to songs on the car radio that I programmed into my Ipod.  Songs that David brought into my life with his love of music.  Songs that have been a part of us for so long and now are mine alone.  Getting in the car and seeing his reading glasses.  I don’t have the heart to remove them.  I am driving his car and his glasses belong there.  That makes me sad but it brings him right back, makes him feel close again, and I like that.

I so often think “it’s just not fair!!!”  Why? Why did this happen? I know God has a plan, but I just do not understand.  I doubt I ever will.

And the loneliness.  When you have been together for such a long time, it is so lonely to be just one.  I have Charlie, Angela, Elisabeth and John, and I thank God for them, but it is just not the same.  Sharing with David, the daily joys, trials and tribulations of life is gone and I so miss that.

We have been so busy.  I plan our busy-ness.  I plan lots of activities for John and me so we can not just sit home and be lonely and sad and missing David.  John is in scouts, which is almost like a full time job in itself.  He took an art class this spring, and also a swimming class.  He has Greek School and he was in Teen Bible Challenge which helped to fill our week.  I recently joined a woman’s softball team with my niece Chris and a lively, fun bunch of women.  It really is fun, and it would make David laugh to think that I am playing softball.  That was one of the activities he was participating in when we first met, way back in 1980. That makes me smile AND cry all at the same time.

Life is going on, but I will tell you that it is hard.  Hard every day.  So hard.  The tears flow at the drop of a hat and very often.  I wish they could stop, and I guess I know they will someday, but not now.  Not soon.

Each day brings its own challenges and we hope to be able to meet them.  Some days are better than others.  I thank God for the time we had and pray that it will get easier.

Hello everyone,

Today is the last day of 2009.  The last day of the decade.  The last post I will be writing on David’s blog.

I wanted to take a moment and reflect on David and the past year and thank everyone who has touched our lives.

2009 was certainly a difficult year for our family and we are glad to see it go.  I thank God for the 29 years I had with David and see him daily in his children.  The sense of humor, willing smile, ability to deal with difficulties.  He was  a man who loved his family and took his role as head of the household seriously.  He lived through his illness with grace and beauty, not complaining nor feeling sorry for himself.  Our love for him will never die, it will just live on in a different way.

I also want to take this time to thank all of you.  We have been touched in so many ways by so many people.  Whether it was in a tiny way or monumental, we are thankful for each and every one of you.  David’s family were there for him from the moment they heard of his illness.  His mom who traveled with us, to and from Iowa City where David received treatments and surgery and also spent many hours keeping him company while getting treatment here in town.  His sisters Linda and Ellen, along with our good friends Brian, Marianne, Lexie and Mark who were so willing to work tirelessly for David’s amazingly well attended and successful benefit.  All the family and friends who were also willing to work so hard during the benefit.  We could not have done it without you.  To all of you who visited him so often, I thank you for that.  I know he appreciated your visits and it helped lift up his spirits.

Following David’s death, we received so many cards.  We thank you for the time you took to write such lovely sentiments … words that touched us deeply.  Also, so many have been so generous and we are very thankful for that.

I believe 2010 will be a year of beginnings.  Beginning to learn to live without David.  Finding our way out of the fog and into something else.  Learning to navigate our way through this grief, each day being different with its ups and downs.

And then, I always go back full circle to all of you.  You have been there for us throughout it all, and we really do appreciate it.  Your ongoing, loving support really does make a difference, even if we are unable to show our true appreciation right now.  Please know that every large or small thing done by you is a show of support and we use it to hold us up through the hardest days, and unfortunately I don’t think the hardest days are yet done.  As I write this, I cry tears of sadness, longing, and joy.  Sadness and longing for David and how much I miss him.  Joy for all of you who are there for my family and me as we live through missing David.

Thank you all.  May God Bless you, each and every one of you, with health, happiness and the love of family and friends in the year 2010 and beyond.  My prayer for you is that God will wrap His arms around you as you have done for us, giving you what He has given us.

with all my love,

Connie

Today I post with a heavy heart.  David is gone and he is finally pain free.  We are so happy for him but mourn his loss.  Charlie, Angela, Elisabeth, John and I, along with his whole family, feel his loss deeply.

The last 17 months have been difficult.  David stoically fought his battle with beauty and grace and we are so proud of him.

Maybe someday I will be able to post about the months of August and September.  Right now, this is all I have.  I am sorry not to be able to do more.  It is just too painful, but I am sure you will understand.

Thank you all for your loving, ongoing support. We are uplifted by the love of those around us.  God truly is good to bring so many loving people into our lives who care for us so beautifully.

With all my love,

Connie

Hello,

Just a brief post to let you know that David was transferred to Trillium Woods Faith Hospice this afternoon.   Trillium Woods address and phone number are:  8214 Pfeiffer Farms Drive, SW, Byron Center, MI 49315  616-356-4820.  He is in room number 2303.   Trillium Woods is a lovely facility.

To make it easier for you if you are planning to visit David, I have included a link to the website which includes a map:

http://www.faithhospicecare.org/trillium.htm

Thank you for your continuing prayers.

Love, Connie